I simply cannot shake thoughts of Robin Williams from my mind. Over and over I am drawn back to look for more information on his death and the events leading up to it. Each time I am brought to the verge of tears, and I cannot help but wonder why I care so much about a man I never met. He was like a childhood friend to me, and he was my parents age. I felt like I identified with and knew Jack, or Peter Banning. I saw that child inside of him wanting to explode out and I felt like that too. Except that I was a child. It probably made more sense for me.
This has placed me on a trip of nostalgia and thoughts on the past. I look at the years behind me and picture each one of them like a death. I love and smile about them but ultimately mourn for each and every one of those that will never come again. I watched Hook again to commemorate Williams’ death, and I almost shouted bangerang right here on my couch. I cranked up my old dance music from the 90s for my boys who must have really thought their father looked the fool cutting a rug in the kitchen while they ate their dinner (except Wyatt, he really thought I was cool). And as I listened to Heaven by DJ Sammy, I stopped dancing and stopped smiling, and the mourning down deep welled up and I began to feel hopeless for my future, sensing futility in moments, as they like the others will all die. I wanted to cry again, it was crushing. A dark pall had settled over me with the advent of Robin Williams death, and it was persisting.
Then I saw my boys, watching me, grinning. Squeaking. Growing. Having their own immortal moment right now that they would one day mourn. I wonder how my own father felt about 25 or so years ago as he ambushed us and ran roaring down the forested hill with his deadly stick gun, my brother and I scrambling out of his way, screaming. He must have loved creating that immortal moment for us, all the while mourning the death of his own. I go to bed tonight with a heavy heart but a much more understanding spirit. It is not for me to live in a moment forever, but rather to create those immortal moments for others.